What is your attachment Style

One of the important factors which affect our relationships is our attachment style. In this post, we will take a look at only romantic relationships. However, it is similarly applicable to almost all close relationships we have with others including family and friends.

There are basically three types of attachment styles that most people fall into. These are Secure, Anxious and Avoidant.

Let's take a look at each of these attachment styles.

A securely attached person is someone who feels secure in their romantic relationships. They love their partner and knows that their partner loves them. There are no insecurities, fears or unrealistic expectations in their relationships. Like any other couple, such people may face ups and downs in their relationships from time to time, but can navigate these problems without much difficulty. Such a person has a pretty good chance of having happy, fulfilling and long-lasting relationships in their life.

An anxiously attached person often feels insecure in relationships. They feel that their significant other does not give them enough attention. They may be insecure about their looks, personality or any other aspect about themselves. They feel the need to be constantly reassured by their partners that they love them. Such a person may appear to be what people call "clingy". They may get jealous or suspicious of their partner's activities for no reason. Due to all this, they may often get into fights with their partners. They may be prone to anger and may have a constant feeling of not being good enough.

Let's look at the next category. An avoidantly attached person has a deep-rooted fear of abandonment. In romantic relationships, they always have a feeling that their significant other is going to leave them, sooner or later. Their partner may have had no such intention and yet they find it hard to believe. Due to these feelings, they are unable to open up to their partners. They have a hard time trusting their partner. They never want to give too much of themselves. They do not want to be vulnerable, lest they are taken advantage of. They are certain that their trust will be broken so they never trust anyone.

Now that we know the three basic attachment styles of people, it is easy to understand how these might affect one's behavior in a relationship. Now, it is important to note that sometimes our attachment style may also be a combination of any of these three basic styles. For example, a person could be avoidantly attached during the initial phase of a relationship, but once their partner earns their trust, their attachment style might shift towards anxious attachment where they constantly need validation and reassurance from their partners.

Once we know this, we can easily find similar patterns in our own behaviors and relationships. Now another interesting thing to note here is that mostly an anxiously attached person is naturally attracted towards an avoidant person and vice versa. Due to this, it becomes difficult for such a couple to continue the relationship because such people naturally bring out the worst aspects of one another. However, if such couples become aware of their individual attachment styles, they can work on themselves and significantly improve the quality of their relationship. This is really important. Just because two people have different attachment styles, it does not mean they are not meant for each other.

Often, our attachment styles are formed in our psyches in early childhood. For eg. when we may have faced rejection from a parent or an adult. They may have broken our trust, betrayed us or even worse. A previous relationship went wrong can also reinforce these feelings in our adulthood. Once we begin to recognize our attachment style, we start being aware of how it might affect our relationship and what steps we can take to improve the quality of our relationship. We don't need to change our personality. Just by being aware of what our emotional triggers are and why we act a certain way, we can find so much more joy, meaning and value in our relationships.

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